Often in the past I have been inclined towards depression, but over the last few years have felt myself immune to any sort of low mood or melancholy simply because things have been going so well. However, these change in moods, which are like changing winds, are not always related to personal, psychological or social factors.
Lately, unfortunately, I have found myself plodding along with tiredness and a lack of motivation. At times I have been quite hard on myself, for failing to respond to demands and stress by increasing my effort. These are early signs in me of depression rearing its ugly head, and on this occasion I decided to consult the doctor about it, as it was beginning to affect my studies. The doctor dealt with me excellently, and helped me to realise that my mood was the real influence. Anti-depressant medication is often frowned upon, and indeed in the past I have avoided taking it for fear of not facing up to my problems or resolving the real issues. Medication is only really indicated for moderate or severe depression, and since I appear only mildly depressed it was not my initial thought. However, the doctor quickly convinced me that at this point in my life I really can't afford to be deteriorating or messing around waiting for my mood to improve.I'm pleased to say that I am already feeling hugely better, after only 2 weeks on medication. The best thing is I am able to have insight into my thoughts and feelings. The fact is, I am so happy in my life, and so excited about my future. This is what makes depression, for me, a very unexpected and unusual dilemma. I find it helpful to reflect on it in a spiritual way, as with all other aspects of my life - and hopefully these reflections will serve of some interest to my readers.
Many Christian denominations fall at the first hurdle by thinking Jesus' Gospel is always that: 'Good News', and derive a health and wealth message to be a result of personal faith and commitment. The fact is, Jesus' message often runs counter to this. Rather than expecting consolation and joy throughout our pilgrimage on earth, we are called to follow Jesus by taking up our crosses every day for him. How pure is a faith that expects temporal happiness and benefit, rather than looking to heaven for paradise? More importantly, how pure is a faith that hasn't been tested? We should always pray for the grace to resign ourselves only to God's will: to be content with whatever trials or blessings He sends our ways.The fact is, since I have returned to faith (about 3 years ago) I have been so blissfully happy and almost ecstatic at the graces and blessings I have in God. I may not always have been grateful enough to God - but now I have a chance to reflect on why I practice my faith at all. Faith is not just a feeling or a psychological crutch; it is determination in a covenant between us and God. Our Heavenly father is constantly reaching out to us, sustaining us and nourishing us with the body of his only Son. Our response to God, within this giving of persons, must be surrender and sacrificial love. We must offer our whole self, no matter what we feel or think about ourselves, and allow God to sanctify and transform us with his divine life. I'm not losing my faith, but should I ever be in that position I resolve to continue praying, receiving the sacraments, and striving to be truly Christian because that is the direction faith must take us.
Those who are wise and have been well instructed in the spiritual life rise above these changing moods, ignoring their inner feelings and on what side the wind of instability blows, so long as the direction of their souls advances towards their desired goal. Thus they can remain stable and unshaken through many changing events, always directing their intention towards Me.The Imitation of Christ - Thomas A Kempis
We will keep you in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI would predict that having a baby will make 'dark nights of the soul' will become passing out in bed.
That's a very moving post. Have you ever considered a career in psychiatry? :P
ReplyDeleteDear Matt,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the medication is working for you, but be careful of staying on them too long. I suffered from rather severe depression for years and didn't come out of it until I found my Spiritual Father, (my 1st spiritual director). He taught me so much and had me go to confession every week until he thought I was strong enough to cut it back to every two weeks. (So many graces come from the confessional.) I know good directors are hard to find, but St. Francis de Sales says if you sincerely pray for one God will provide. I plan on posting some things on finding a Spiritual Director on my blog soon if you are interested. I've only been Catholic for 10 years so the only Orders I know so far which offer spiritual direction regularly are the FSSP, Opus Dei, and the Legionaries. If you know a good priest already just ask. I do not recommend lay directors, because they haven't had the spiritual formation priests have had, and because they can't hear your confessions.
(A spiritual director is also very beneficial for new Catholics.)
Often new babies can augment depression just because of the sheer exhaustion of meeting the needs of that baby. Of course they are also a joy. Congratultaions and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.