Jeffrey's Rant

"Frankly I'm furious. You young wipper-snappers don't know how to show your elders some respect. This includes that rascal of a cat who has posted here previously, under the title "It's a Cat's Life". Now I'm not one to get involved in technological clap-trap like this here blog, but one has to defend his dignity! Speaking of which, I am partial to a proper bath once in a while, unlike cats who seem to make do with covering themselves in their own saliva. Still think they're civilised?

"I've been around for a hell of a long time, don't you know! Why, in Hamster terms I've outlived the most distinguished of Syrian desert rats. There has not been a grey whisker on my head without toil and hard graft. Yet that devilish creature, known as Luke might I add, thinks he can waltz on here and attract a loyal following of supporters to his cause. Well, perhaps I will elaborate on what his cause is, eh?

"Ever since my house opened its doors on the feline species, I have been fighting for my life. Merely to survive, eh? Is it too much to ask, but a little peace in one's own home? An Englishman's home is his castle, they say - well since day one I have had to defend mine by whichever means possible. Sawdust barricades, nut catapults, you name it. Those cats are constantly preoccupied with trying to eat me! Can you believe it! I have been living with humans before they were even a twinkle in their mother's eye!! The picture on the right shows proof. During the day, I like to stay in my cabin and have a bit of shut-eye. So those savage beasts would spent the whole time lying in wait till I emerged, even if it was to spend a penny. Then there would be relentless attacks: pounce, barrage, deafening me and not good for my asthma let me tell you. Well, ultimately I was moved into seclusion in the bathroom, where the door is always shut.

"Have you ever heard a hamster's battle cry? Of course not, you probably weren't even aware we were vocal creatures. I like to think we're peaceful until provoked. Or woken up. Well, Rotastak clearly state their hamster homes are NOT cat-proof. As far as I was concerned one morning, my tubing was simply accidentally detached, usually leading into my lavatory (yes, Hamsters use them too, you know). I popped out to investigate, only to be pounced on by that black and white ball of fur! All I could do was resort to primeval instincts, rise up on my hind legs and SQUEEL like a cornered boar! That taught him a lesson. But it doesn't stop him from trying.

"But you readers probably find all this very funny. You may say 'ah, its all nature'. But actually lets have a look at what you have said, shall we? That the barbaric cat is 'a true Catholic' just because he falls asleep next to a breviary. Or that 'cat lovers go to heaven' rather than the reality of being led astray into submission to an Egyptian demi-god. You want devotion? Well, take a look at the picture on the right (I'm humble, and didn't know it was being taken). I'll leave you with this thought: You may think you're holy because you're big enough to go to church and receive the sacraments. But I haven't even got an eternal soul - yet you won't catch me slacking on my prayers. You have the hope of heaven, I'm caught with the prospect of rotting into nothing yet still thank God for my store of monkey nuts. Which reminds me - I'm off for a nibble. Young wipper-snappers."