Guilt and Healing

To thee only have I sinned, and have done evil before thee: that thou mayst be justified in thy words and mayst overcome when thou art judged. For behold I was conceived in iniquities; and in sins did my mother conceive me. For behold thou hast loved truth: the uncertain and hidden things of thy wisdom thou hast made manifest to me. Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed: thou shalt wash me, and I shall be made whiter than snow. To my hearing thou shalt give joy and gladness: and the bones that have been humbled shall rejoice.

Turn away thy face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create a clean heart in me, O God: and renew a right spirit within my bowels. Cast me not away from thy face; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and strengthen me with a perfect spirit. I will teach the unjust thy ways: and the wicked shall be converted to thee.

Psalm 50:6-15

We mess up as human beings. Even if we are not in any way religious, we still feel ashamed and embarrassed when we make mistakes. Often the most remote experiences in our distant past can surface and haunt us, and never properly heal. "Time will heal" in many cases, but sometimes in the form of a shard of glass beneath the skin: the cut will heal but the pain remains. Sometimes it surfaces in the hardest ways.

For the last couple of weeks I have been polishing my medical skills in the field of psychiatry before I am let loose on the public next August. It is a challenging area, but one I have always felt worthwhile and rewarding. I have huge respect for Psychiatrists, who always seem to have wonderful personal skills, and have the privilege of spending a lot of time with each of their patients. Now, there are many factors which contribute to mental illnesses; Physical, psychological, social, but also spiritual. None of these factors should be treated in isolation. It varies from illness to illness, and it is clear that medication is an absolute life-line for people with Schizophrenia for example, who wouldn't be able to survive without it. Other things are also important, like upbringing and social circumstances. Many of these come to the fore when talking to psychiatric patients.

But also there is often an ardent desire to unburden experiences and memories which may go back many years and decades. The guilt and pain remain as I have described. I cannot help feeling, in a quite clichéd way I'm sure you'll say, that these lost souls yearn the confessional. They might not agree with me, and it is the one of many things they need to recover. But the confessional is such an amazing sacrament because it is so easy! It makes us nervous, especially when we have a lot to say, or we feel embarrassed.

In my church we have private confessionals where the priest sits at your side behind an iron grill (everyone has seen it in the movies!) so that we do not focus on the person behind. It is effectively Christ who we are confessing to, who gave the power to his apostles to forgive sins on his behalf. They received the Holy Spirit's power, which is handed down through the priesthood, to apply Christ's infinite forgiveness to every penitent sinner! A wonderful feeling. But it does take courage to take this initial step. The resolve to attend regular confession makes this easier and easier; seeing the flaws in us and offering them to God is a humbling and enriching experience. The forgiveness we receive is a joyous and freeing experience, which washes us free from guilt and enables us to pick ourselves up to carry on the good fight.

Speaking of mental health, my wife has just finished her last day working as a physiotherapist in the (predominantly elderly) mental health service. She is pleased to be finished so that she can focus on being a mother, but it is also strange for her to be turning this new page in her life. Her colleagues gave her a wonderful send-off, including over £100 worth of baby vouchers, and she will certainly miss them. I know that she will be a great mother, which is really the most important job in the world! And I will make sure I can pay her lots of money for this great endeavour! Bump is getting bigger, kicks are getting harder, and the mountain of baby accessories gets progressively higher! We cannot wait!